But songs these days contain the most thinly veiled double entendres and euphemisms that there's no point in even being clever about it. So, I've taken the liberty of rewriting Rhianna's classic Shut Up And Drive with my translation below each of the original lyrics. I prefer the honesty of my version.
Shut Up And Drive by Rhianna (and me)
I've been looking for a driver who is qualified
(I want him to have had sex at least 40 times before and be older than me)
So if you think that you're the one, step into my ride
(If you can prove how many people you have slept with, please undo my clothes)
I'm a finetuned supersonic speed machine
(I'm thin and attractive to men. I almost certainly have no pubes)
With a sunroof top and a gangster lean
(I like to go topless and I'm partially black)
So if you feel me let me know, know, know
(call me when you want sex sex sex)
Come on now what you're waiting for, for, for
(why won't you answer your phone phone phone)
My engine's ready to explode, explode, explode
(I'm incredibly drunk and aroused in huge need of a penis. I can't stress enough that fingers just won't cut it tonight)
So start me up and watch me go, go, go, go
(I'll diddle myself while you do the pants dance trying to get undressed)
[chorus:]
Getcha where you wanna go, if you know what I mean
(yes Rhianna, I think even 2 day old foetuses have got the gyst that you are highly sexual and have a rather high opinion of yourself)
Got a ride that's smoother than a limousine
(it definitely looks like a beetle bonnet down there. Not a hair in sight. You could mistake me for pre-school)
Can you handle the curves, can you run all the lights
(I'm quite boney and might be on my period)
If you can baby boy, then we can go all night
(If you can baby boy, then we can go all night - no need to change that)
'Cause I'm zero to sixty in three point five
(I orgasm with little effort )
Baby you got the keys
(You have money, status, have a dick like a big problem and are more than likely going to beat me afterwards)
Shut up and drive, drive, drive, drive
(have sex with me quietly quietly quietly)
Shut up and drive, drive, drive, drive
(have sex with me quietly quietly quietly)
There's another 300 verses of that. All along the lines of sex being like driving. To be fair it's a catchy song but at some point the white, classically trained musician writing this for Rhianna must have looked in the mirror and whispered "What am I doing?" Shortly after that, while zipping himself up after sleeping with three stunning blondes in his mansion while high on uncut columbian finest he remembered, "Ahhhh this is what I'm doing".
A message for all you kids out there. Fuck who and what you like but just hide it behind a song about building a house. Remember there's plenty of scope for plumbing, leaks, back doors, unkept gardens, curtains/carpets matching, tool boxes, chests, load-bearing walls, accidental damage and stop cocks. Not that Rhianna ever does the latter.
