There's an addiction that's rife in the UK...

... and it involves people of all classes, backgrounds and races. It turns normally sane people into idiots and pushes poor people into even more debt. My boss does it, my friends do it, my family even does it now and again, but I can't think of anything worse. I am of course talking about the National fucking Lottery.

This afternoon I was stood behind someone in the queue at the supermarket whose only purchase was "Five Euro Millions Lucky Dips and 2 of the £3 scratchcards". By my reckoning, that equates to £16 spent on a few bits of paper and the safety blanket of hope that his presumably miserable life would soon be made better by definitely winning £40 million or whatever the prize is. Now I don't mean to piss on his bonfire (because by the looks of him, it is probably his only means of heat) but he wasn't going to win. He'd just spent £16 on something that could have put food on his table for a good week having seen the prices at Lidl. 

But how and why is this addiction and greed now socially acceptable? Most of my friends that 'play' the lottery don't really need the money. Yes, I'm sure they'd enjoy £40 million but not winning it hasn't left them financially crippled. And they aren't the type of people to visit a betting shop twice a week, or spend the night in a casino every Saturday. So why do they feel the need to gamble while they do their weekly grocery shopping? And for such shite odds too! 

Apparently it's a one in 14 million chance of winning the main UK National Lottery. That number is BLOODY HUGE. Now don't get me wrong, if I saw a horse in the grand national with those odds, I'd have a flutter. Would I continue to bet twice a week for 18 years on the same flogged horse? Quite simply, no.

"Oh but I've got a system!" Get lost Rainman. 1) If you had a system you'd have won by now and 2) choosing the same numbers every week isn't 'a system' - it's just lazy. In fact and I quote,  "In a recent survey 21% of people thought that if they put the same numbers on to the lottery for the rest of their lives that they would have a chance of winning. The reality is they would have to put the same numbers on 135,000 years before they would have an evens chance of winning."    

And then there's the embarrassment of actually asking for a lottery ticket in the first place. You hand over a hastily scribbled slip, wait two minutes while the paroled car-jacker behind the till fiddles with the machine, listen to the tutts and sighs as people that just wanted a pack of chewing gum or fags have to watch you feed your addiction... like stumbling in on a smack addict injecting junk between his toes in a service station toilet. And I guarantee that at least one person in that queue will, like me, look upon you with the disdain you truly deserve. And I live in the same village as you. And I will continually see you as someone that voluntarily pays the idiot tax.

But, worst of all, it turns wankers into monsters. How many people that have ever won Euro Millions or the National Lottery have you ever thought to yourself, "Oh they look a nice couple.... good on them". No, they either look like Fred and Rose West or they look like they've lived on a diet of gravy, dripping and Iceland's deep fried assorted starters all their lives. Alarm bells should ring when we even see the faces of the people that have won. They had to actively tick and sign a piece of paper saying "I am happy to go public with this". Why the hell would any sentient human being want to actively go public with it?

Then they always say "no, the money isn't going to change me". Really??? Of all the people on this earth, I'd say that a lottery winner falls into the bracket of 'most in need of change'. Buy yourself a new Kappa tracksuit, treat the kids to a bargain bucket for breakfast, pay off your credit cards that you use to live on rather than earning money. And, if you genuinely don't think it's going to change your life then give the money to someone else. Maybe someone with a disabled child who is struggling to make ends meet? Maybe donate it to a shelter for victims of domestic abuse. Hell, give it to CERN so we can finally find the Higgs Boson. Anything is better than you being allowed to spend it on a life-size Scalextric or a swimming pool filled with Irn Bru.

But we all know that within two minutes of them saying it won't change them, they've already put a deposit down on a gold-plated Nova, a lifetime's subscription to Take a Break and as many Lambert and Butlers as they can fit into their already struggling lungs. 

So, in short, don't play the lottery unless you want me to, unfairly, see you as a scummy, greedy peasant who clearly doesn't understand odds or the concept of investment. However, should you happen to win the lottery, then please disregard all the above and remember what a great friend I've been to you over the years.